V. The Armory

"Now, who wrote the often heard 'James Bond Theme':
Tone, up half tone, up half tone, down half tone,
Played in everyone of those great movies
And often conducted by John Barry?"
"You mean it's a song that doesn't have words
To sing at the Academy Awards,
That can't be mangled by Barbra or Cher,
Or humped to by that Dirty Dancing  pair?"
"Enough trivia games, grandkids my own,"
Said the always hyper-focusing Vern,
"I've got gadgets to help with your mission,
Fresh from the lab in beta editions
And pretty much by me full guaranteed
To embarrass the hell out of Ed Meese.

"Start with this marvel," said the teens' grandpap,
"A new and improved Phillies thinking cap
That still amplifies the same three commands:
'Par-ty!' 'Get Lost!' 'Come!' works if you're a man."
"This new model looks so real," Emma said.
"The Phils are the one reason to wear red."
"Just press any of the gadget's buttons
To send a psychic blast to those cretins
That motivates an instant reaction
Favoring our scientific faction.
The only drawbacks are having one charge
And the effect's radius isn't large,
So be sure, Emma, to pick your spots well."
"That's kind of what I do, Gramps, can't you tell?"

"This next piece is a roll of audio tape,
Do what I say and you'll be in great shape:
A strong plan putting first and uppermost
Defense of the film from an evil host.
Splice this over the existing tracks
Without hesitation and don't relax;
I've precisely recorded lines of code
That into a listener's head explode
And by inevitable processes
Fill the psyche's uncoded recesses
With memories of a specific sort
Manifesting as the bearer's report
Describing events of the precise kind
To wholly unbalance the human mind."

"I hope they won't have to blow any dogs,"
said Tex, his gadget-loving face agog
Over toys that Vern was putting out there.
"Is the last a one-of-a-kind or spare?"
"Neither of those, but something just so rare,
Ready, in case you don't want to play fair,
Charm that doesn't exist in a real sense,
But's a doozy of a magic sentence;
An old episode of Bewitched it's from--
You just say, 'Zolda pranken kopek lom,'
Keeping your hand on this timepiece of gold.
A MacGuffin, as in stories of old,
Will certainly appear or disappear
That makes the muddled handiwork seem clear,
Rationalizing the action or plot
To see you kids get it all sorted out."

James Bond spy imitators were myriad, and boys in the 60s couldn't get enough. The "Get Smart" board game (below) featured wacky terrorist bomber fun and included a round, black device with a spring and a suction cup mechanism.