"If there was a man," is the soundtrack phrase
To open up our story's next fab phase
(I cringe for the grammar it engenders,
Although I'll always love The Pretenders)
And if there were a man like Tex Archer
In thousands of Mummers Parade marchers
Strutting their stuff along the Broad Street mile
He would stand out for his distinctive style,
Which wasn't quite wench or banjo strummer,
Comical clown or saxophone hummer,
Never a fancy, pinned with lavish plumes,
Or drunk brigadier who needs a bathroom,
Neither submissive or dominator:
Tex had become an artful spectator.

So on New Year's Day, 1982,
Tex is hosting a party on the route,
From a Broad Street balcony, up three floors,
Amounting to drunk nakedness outdoors
Addled, abetting the Whole Motley Crew
For one time himself having had a few,
With Elenore Gore, the supermodel,
The one holding the Taittinger bottle,
And that middle infielder from the Phils
Whose wrists were so thick it gave Tex the chills,
And one of South Philly's finest walks in
On behalf of the neighbors, who complained
About all the havoc and rowdy smut
Which was loud, louder than the Mummers Strut.

"Oh my," said Tex in a voice just this sad,
"Out-noisemaking the parade is so bad!"
"Everyone wants what they can't make at home,"
Said Emily, walking from the next room;
The cop and Tex both looked at his sister
Wearing a catsuit, hot as a blister,
Black leather it was, so shiny as skin,
"Take a look at what the kitty dragged in,"
Emma purred, in regards to who knows what,
But eyeballing Elenore's lemon tart.
The officer paid off with some passes
To see Tex's photos of tight asses,
Emma turned down the matching Klipsch speakers,
Suit squeaking like a new pair of sneakers.

"I'm glad he is gone, such an old auntie
We haven't seen since Movie Star Panties ."
"Now, Emma, don't you make fun of that show,
I told you I didn't have full control."
"Always you say that of art shows, juvie,
Which is why you should stick with the movies.
The critics adored your Dracula one."
"I don't remember, but it sure was fun."
"You could revisit Apollo Goes South ."
"He didn't act much, but oooh, what a mouth!"
Thus had been their discourse on film versus
Static visuals, which one was worser;
So long as Tex used her set properties,
Emma had no preference between these.